The Bongo Beat of Learning

I've read that kids who are involved in music show an increased ability to concentrate on their studies. My two siblings are great examples of this correlation; I couldn't be prouder of their accomplishments! My sister Julie played the cello for many years and later graduated with honors from Harvard Law School. My brother Tom has a Masters from the University of Washington in Chinese studies, he played the cello as well. More important than their academic achievements however, they along with their spouses actively encourage their kid's' musical ambitions. As an aside, I lasted in piano lessons for six months.

Yes, that's a limited focus group, but as our sons have expressed interest in playing instruments, we've supported their passion wholeheartedly. Nick can pick his way through "Smoke On The Water" on the guitar, and Chris will drum anything that's not moving. Including my belly during a recent Sunday afternoon snooze. Still, with expensive lessons and equipment, their favorite instrument to play is a worn and ancient bongo drum. Not even bongo "drums" because it's just one bongo. Or drum.

I've written about the need to feed your children's passions before, even when those passions are fleeting. It's important for kids to experience the excitment of trying something new. Just as important, it's vital for them to understand that exceptional talent in music, or in anything, comes when they match their passion with practice.

Perhaps there is a bongo drum in your house right now. Or a squeaky violin. Or a recorder that can't manage low notes but hits the high notes with alarming frequency. Smile when your kids want to show off their talents, and listen carefully for the sounds of their passion and purpose in life. They're not trying to make it at Carnegie Hall, they're just trying to secure their place in your heart.

Saluting the Single Parent

My wife's been out of town for three days. The kids and I miss her very much for a wide variety of reasons. Her smile, her hugs, her warm words, her errands, her cleaning, her schedule-keeping. Get the picture? Without Terry here, the kids and I slip into "bare necessities" mode. As long as there is un-expired milk in the fridge and pizza at the door, I'm happy and so are the boys.

The good news is, I know my wife will return. At 6:19pm Friday evening to be exact, not that anyone is counting.

For the single parent, help often doesn't arrive at a scheduled time. Nor is the help "guaranteed" like when there are two parents in the picture. I've had friends throughout the years that raised kids on their own, and I can't imagine greater heros in our daily midst. Some people parent alone, meaning their spouse doesn't provide a whole lot of help. Others parent individually due to tragedy, love lost or because they choose to.

You probably know a single parent. The holidays are a great time to offer a helping hand to these heros. Even if it's just a few hours of childcare so they can have some time to themselves, the brief respite is a marvelous present. And you don't even have to wrap it!

Putting Your Kids First

There she sat at the light, one hand on a cell-phone to her ear, a cigarette in her mouth and the other hand manipulating a lighter. As she pulled away, I spotted the toddler in the back seat. While I wanted to scream at the lady about careless driving, all I could do was marvel at her audacity. What happens when a child becomes something less than our top priority?

Here's a quote from the playwright Arthur Miller, who as I learn about him I realize did many more wonderful things other than marry Marilyn Monroe.

He wants to live on through something-and in his case, his masterpiece is his son. All of us want that, and it gets more poignant as we get more anonymous in this world.

The messages we send children about their importance in our lives are constant and form a lasting impression on our kids. When I'm reading the paper or watching a football game, I want "time out" for me. A period to stare mindlessly at sport or the news is part of my wind-down time at the end of a busy day. You probably have that same time as well.

How can you incorporate your kids in your down-time? Perhaps it's as simple as throwing an arm around a young shoulder and encouraging them to wind-down as well. However you choose to reach out, reminding your kids that they're "number one" on your list of priorities makes them feel great. It'll make you feel great too.

Being Your Best Means Being Selfish

The more parents I speak to, the more I realize that parenting means putting your own needs last. While I salute the sacrifice that each of us makes in bringing up our kids, when we subjugate our own needs time and time again, we're teaching our children to do the same thing should they become parents. Isn't it time to stop the cycle of self-abuse? After all, if you're feeling unfulfilled professionally or personally, it's pretty easy for your kids to pick up on that. What they learn is what they see and experience.

A concept that I introduce in many of my coaching sessions with parents is the idea of becoming "Selflessly Selfish". Here are the underpinnings of this thinking:

You can't be a great parent without being a great friend to yourself.
You must pay attention to the signals your mind and body send you.
Time for yourself is not selfishness.
Time for yourself allows you to rejuvenate body and spirit.
Time for yourself is a great model for your partner and your children.

Here are my "Top Five" ways to be selflessly selfish:

5. Take a walk.
4. Read a great book.
3. Write a notecard to a friend.
2. Listen to great music while doing something creative.
1. Take a nap.

How important are selflessly selfish activities? A recent study found that one-third of American children are more stressed today than they were a year ago. If we don't model ways to minimize and manage stress, who will? For more great tips, please see the American Psychological Association's latest report on stress at
http://apahelpcenter.mediaroom.com/file.php/211/Talking+with+your+Children+about+Stress+FINAL.pdf

The recent posting on passing your passion down to your kids struck a chord with my friend Robbie. With his permission, here's an illustration of how a baseball rooting interest can transcend the generations.

You can imagine how hard it was to get Jason (9) to share my Mets passion, and I was almost there. His whole room is decked out in Mets gear and posters. That is, success until about three weeks ago.

My son had just made his AAA Fall Ball pitching debut. He was very proud of his two scoreless innings, as was I.

Later, we were out to dinner with about ten family members, celebrating a cousin's milestone birthday. We were in a private room in the restaurant, though beside our large round table was an empty table for four.

After we had been seated for about a half hour, in comes the Maitre 'D, leading four large athletes, baseball players all. Yankees, to be exact, led by future Hall of Famer, Andy Pettitte. Jason went apoplectic. With a lot of cajoling, he finally went up to Andy, introduced himself and began to describe (in too much detail) his outing earlier in the day. Pettitte could not have been any more gracious, and agreed to a picture with Jason which now has a prominent place on his bedroom wall.

My Mets are as good as dead in his mind. I lost that battle.

More than anything, I'm just happy that he's got a deep and enthusiastic passion for the game. I couldn't be more proud.

Have a similar story to share? Please post them in the "comments" section of this blog. Remember, the greatest thing you can pass along to your kids is a boundless love of life, and of diversity. The world has room for Mets and Yankee fans.