DadSpeaker

2010-10-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

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Kids and Homework

2010-09-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'll admit, I'm baffled by much of the math homework that my 10-year old son Nick brings home from fifth grade. Thank goodness the teachers post an "answer key" along with tips on problem solving on the school's Web site. My last math class was during my junior year in high school, around the time the dinosaurs died off. What I think I recall from high school is some basic algebra and that a black bunny and a white bunny will have four "bunettes", one black, one white, and two white/black combinations. If I'm wrong, may Einstein have mercy on my soul.

More challenging initially than the homework itself, was getting both Nick and his younger brother Chris to dedicate time to complete their assignments. Terry and I have come to agree that setting aside a specific window for the boys, where all four of us are dedicated to their homework, has helped avoid potential battles.

The kids come home and immediately head for a snack. After a long day at school, just like an adult coming home from work, the last thing they want to do...is more work. After dinner, and before any dessert, the boys bring their homework to the table and plug away, number "two" pencils in hand. This gives their parents a chance to wash dishes, talk a bit about our days, and be available to answer any questions that come up. Or rush to the computer for the answer key!

Having a set time for tasks like homework or music practice means the kids have no surprises, and are able to understand that their commitments require attention. It occurs to me now that my work day goes much smoother when I keep to a regular schedule. Maybe it's not too late to learn something from fifth grade!

Dads and Kids: How To Harness Their Creativity and Energy

2010-08-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

Waiting for inspiration as a writer is like a kid waiting for the first snow of winter. They peek out the window looking for a cloud, a flake, any indication that a blizzard is around the corner. You can hope, pray and perform native dances to induce the gods to visit, and deny that you have no control over the situation. Fact is, a writer controls their "block" as much as any of us control the weather. The nice thing about that first snow, and the inspiration to write, is that they both eventually come (depending on the climate) in bunches and they both leave you snowed under.

My kids are the source of so much creative energy that sometimes they lead my business astray. For awhile, I wanted to write children's books. Then I wanted to teach elementary school. A phase passed in which I wanted to base my business on speaking about kids and their Dads. Their wonder and energy is contagious; like Superman, I need to learn to harness that power for good!

The boys asked for a chain saw this past weekend. "What for?" I inquired. Turns out they "need" a tree fort, and a friend at school advised them that a chain saw is a needed accessory to any building project. "Tell you what. When you guys are adults and move out of the house, you can buy your own chain saw. Until then, no chain saw." They were crushed. For about two minutes. Then Nick's (the 10 year old) face brightened. "Chris, when we get a chain saw, we can build a house and live in a tree in the backyard!"

I'm glad they'll be moving out. And I'm glad they're planning on staying close to home.

Fight writer's block, or any creative block, by diving in and seeing where your journey takes you. "Control" isn't nearly as important as we adults make it out to be. Sometimes, you just need the right tools, an optimistic outlook, and a tree to build your dreams in.

Dad - The New "Satan"?

2010-08-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

Eight-year old Chris called me "Satan" the other day. It's hard to interpret that for any audience, but my sense is that he believed at the moment that the Devil and me were pretty much interchangable. My "sin" as far as I can ascertain, is that I wouldn't let him (Chris, not the Devil) wwatch YouTube on the computer past 9pm.

Being a parent is like riding a rollercoaster. One minute you're the shining star of your child's life, the next minute you're Mussolini, only without the captive audience. My wife Terry has a good approach to the changing fortunes of parenting, never getting too high or too low. I wish I could adopt that stance for myself, but when Chris lashed out I took his words to bed with me and felt like a real failure as a father.

What saved me was remembering some of the hateful things that I said, or imagined I said, to my own father. The world of a child is centered on self, and that world revolves around their wants and needs. Not having computer time in 2010 is a lot like being called in off the playground while the sun is still out in 1971. The level of technology changes, but not the perspective of the child.

As I approach fifty, it's striking how much I value contact with my folks. Perhaps as we learn to cope with their imperfections, they teach us how to cope with our own. As parents, we're no angels, but we're certainly not satan either.

Are Your Training Wheels Still On?

2010-07-14T11:18:00.001-07:00

With a wrench and a bit of elbow grease, our two boys have expanded their world exponentially. The training wheels came off a few weeks ago, and now they're barreling down our steep driveway at breakneck (not literally we hope) speed. I can recall that very same moment of freedom in my own life. Perhaps you can too.

Taking risk is a big part of life, whether you're careening down a slope on two wheels or breaking away from a comfortable job. A quote that inspires me when I'm considering adding more risk to my daily grind comes from the late Arthur Miller.

"One can't forever stand on the shore. At some point, filled with indecision, skepticism, reservation and doubt, you either jump in or concede that life is forever elsewhere."

Watching the smiles of new-found confidence on the faces of Nick and Chris reminds me that reward rarely comes without risk. We can wear helmets and kneepads, but the scrapes and bloody elbows are a part of the bargain. I know what I'll remember of this passage into mobility for my children, are their smiles of joy with the wind in their face. Their confidence inspires me to pursue reward in the face of risk in my own life.

Read This Before Your Next Car Trip With Kids!

2010-07-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

I just spent (or survived) 10 hours in the car with my two sons. A greater test of parental love and tolerance, there may not be. Traveling from Jackson Hole, Wyoming to our home in Parker, Colorado brought us 537.8 miles closer. Three lessons I learned for long car rides in the future.

1. If you rely on your spouse to charge the portable DVD player and you know beforehand that he/she won't be joining you in the car, make sure you learn how to accomplish this task yourself.

2. Pack enough snacks so that you can cut down on your drive time. Let your kids choose the snacks, since they'll be the ones eating.

3. Stock the car with music that everyone can sing along to. Like it or not, my kids are into the Beatles (hooray!), Bon Jovi (eh) and AC/DC (sorry, I never "got" them)

My guys are 8 and 10 years old, and we played "Mad Libs" most of the way. It was a great way for them to expand their vocabulary and learn creative ways to insert gross bodily function sounds into conversations. And I finally learned the difference between an adverb and an adjective.

Which Rules to Obey?

2010-05-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

I watched a Dad and several youngsters hop into the hot-tub at our gym recently. They dropped their towels right by the sign that reads "No children 12 and under allowed in the hot tub!" Both kids looked to be five or six years old. Being a parent can feel like being under a 24/7 microscope sometimes, and this situation made me think about what we teach our children about rules and the truth.

Telling a "white lie" is accepted as part of navigating society. We cut corners a bit here and there to ease potential rough spots in relationships. What was the father in the hot-tub teaching his kids about rules? Are some "made to be broken" like athletic records? I can't imagine telling my children to obey traffic signals and speed limit signs, while I keep one eye on the road and the other on a radar detector. I can't imagine letting my kids into the hot-tub before they're twelve years old. If they see me flaunt one rule, that will confuse them about which rules can be bent or broken.

That said, I hope that sixty years ago I would have insisted that my boys give up their "front of the bus" seats to an African-American woman, regardless of where on the bus that woman was "supposed" to sit. Some rules were made to be broken I guess. How do you explain to your children when a rule doesn't make sense? Or when a rule, like the hot-tubs at my club, makes sense for some people but not for others?

Mom's Day

2010-05-09T16:46:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it, sometimes I take for granted all that my wife puts up with from three boys. The uneven hairlines, the temper tantrums and the dirty clothes left to molder on the bedroom floor. And then she has to put with our two sons as well. Mothers deserve more than a "day" in my opinion, and I'm not sure a month or season or entire year is enough to salute all they do for us.

Here are a few of the roles I salute mothers (including my own) for fulfilling, above and beyond the call of duty.

Traffic Cop: Policing disputes about baseball cap ownership and whose turn it is to go first.

Cabbie: Ferrying kids to and from baseball, swim lessons, soccer games, guitar/cello/drum/bass/recorder/digeridoo lessons and more.

Doctor: Patching wounded knees and feelings, always knowing when a neck rub and a kiss is needed most.

Mom: The most underappreciated and underpaid job in the world. Although those with experience in this area tell me that the fringe benefits beat any paycheck, any day.

Happy Mother's Day to all, including my favorite Mom, Joan. Remember, only 42 shopping days left until Father's Day!

Aloha Spirit Means Heart-ful Fathering

2010-04-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

Our planned 6-day family vacation in paradise turned into a week and a half of emergency room visits and hospital stays. Hawaii never looked so lovely I'm sure, I just wish we'd seen more of it through a windshield and less of it from room 410 of the North Hawaii Community Hospital http://www.northhawaiicommunityhospital.org/

As I watched the nurses and doctors, the paramedics and even the staff of our hotel react to our health issues, I was struck by how much sincere caring everyone displayed. Both of our sons were sick with salmonella, and two stressed-out parents are not the easiest people in the world to deal with. The health professionals always had a smile, timely information and words of assurance when we needed them. Our hotel staff (the Hilton at Waikoloa) extended our room indefintly and slashed the room rate to one-third of what we'd booked at. Friends from United Airlines were proactive in re-booking our flights several times, and made sure we were seated right next to the lavatories (critical!) on the seven-hour trip home.

All this has me thinking about what I would refer to as "Aloha Fatherhood". As parents, we can choose to lead with our brain or our heart. If I had to choose between the two, I'd hope that my heart would provide the guidance and wisdom necessary to bring up children with good brains.

Kids and Ethics

2010-04-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

Each day's headlines bring news of leaders in the church, community and business who have made moral missteps. I do believe that all of us can trip into the ethical abyss from time to time. It's what you do once you're there, and how you recover, that is the measure of the man and father.

A football player from Cleveland was recently arrested at an airport security gate. Shaun Rogers was trying to bring a carry-on bag with a loaded and cocked gun, into a secure area and onto a plane. He says now that he didn't know the gun was in his possession. Sorry, this falls into categories of both supreme stupidity and casual arrogance.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5058703&campaign=rss&source=ESPNHeadlines

Professional athletes may not be role models, as basketball player Charles Barkley once said, but they are public figures. When an athlete complains about the scrutiny they're under, I wish they'd remember that they could have easily been police officers, accountants or Subway sandwich shop managers. Athletes choose their line of work, as do we all. Some in the media point out with a bit of validity that the "regular" people like us aren't hauled before kleig lights and cameras every time we commit an offense. I can't help think that us "regular" people also can't afford high priced attorneys, nor can we schedule our jail time around spring training or the NFL season.

I wish just once (Tiger, Shaun, Alex, Roger, anyone?) someone in the spotlight would 'fess up to their misdeeds before they're caught. Now that would be news!

Logic Wins Out Over Rules

2010-03-31T15:50:00.000-07:00

Like the Allies and German forces, huddled in trenches awaiting the whistle to go "up and over" for some penultimate WWI battle, the boys and I used to gird for the nightly trauma over baths, pj's and bedtime. When they were 4 or 5 years old, this ritual became a power struggle of epic proportions. As the boys have gotten older and I have matured, the scene plays out with far less intensity. We're all thankful for that.

My wife Terry used to counsel me "pick your battles" when I'd come downstairs from the boys' bedroom after those fights. My face would be red, jaw clenched and the last thing I could think about was a relaxing night's sleep for myself. When I was a kid, bed-time was clearly defined, "lights out" meant exactly that, and very few breaches of protocol were allowed! I thought that was how it had to be.

What I've been reminded of recently is that all us parents are imperfect, and we're all free to set our own rules. My folks learned from their folks, who learned from their folks, and so on back to the Shtetl and ghetto of Eastern Europe. That doesn't mean I have to be a carbon copy of my father. He certainly wasn't a carbon copy of his Dad.*

As I let go of my kids and encourage them to be independent and seek their own way in life, I realize that I can't control them, only influence them. So Nick wears a t-shirt to bed. So Chris stays up late reading. We all get a good night's sleep in the end.

*For the uninitiated, "Carbon Copy" refers to the carbon paper you used to slip between sheets in a typewriter. This is how we made copies in the mid-20th Century. If you have to ask what a typewriter was...I can't help you.

Leprechauns

2010-03-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

Whoops. My wife is out of town and she usually facilitates the arrival of leprechauns at our house for St. Patty's Day. This time, the imps were not only late, but failed to measure up to our sons' expectations. They left green sparkly liquid in both the bathroom sink and toilet. No Lucky Charms cereal, no green milk, cupcakes or cookies.

When 8 year-old Christopher came down the stairs this morning, he plaintively wailed that this was absolutely "The Worst Saint Patricks Day Ever!" I came "this close" to revealing the leprechaun's true identity, but I held my tongue. In that split second, I realized that his ability to still believe in Santa, Leprechauns and the Easter Bunny is a character strength I truly admire.

What do you believe in that you can't prove?

Safety and Change; Teach Your Children Well

2010-03-03T14:44:00.000-08:00

There was a "lock down" drill at my 4th grade son's school today. I hate that our kids are growing up in a climate of fear, where dis-trust comes before trust. Life seemed simpler and less dangerous two generations ago when I was growing up, and yet when I reflect a bit deeper, it seems that times haven't changed as much as many of us think they have.

The late 60's and early 70's were times of dramatic social challenges. I can recall "duck and cover" drills at my elementary school. I didn't realize that these were to protect (as much protection as a school hallway can provide) us from Russian nuclear devices. I was convinced that the North Vietnamese would be invading Penfield, New York any day.

How do you create a safe environment for your children? How do you ensure that they feel free to experiment and test their limits, without pushing beyond the edge into reckless behavior?

Explaining the Unexplainable; School Shootings

2010-02-24T14:52:00.001-08:00

We had another school shooting here in Denver this week. Memories of the Columbine nightmare lie just below the surface in this part of the country, even eleven years later. Thankfully, the two middle-schoolers who were wounded are expected to recover from their injuries. I can't begin to fathom what goes through a deranged person's mind when they set out to harm kids, or anyone for that matter. Regardless of where you stand on the issue of gun rights and the place of firearms in today's society, how you talk to children about tragedies like this is intimidating.

With our two boys, I try to be candid without being alarming. Bad things happen to good people and that's a part of this world I'd like to protect them from. I know these truths; (1) I can't protect them forever, and (2) keeping them from reality wouldn't serve them well in the long run.

The basic tenets of fatherhood are the best guide when you're faced with explaining the unexplainable to your kids. Be honest and ask lots of questions to understand how they're feeling. Remember that kids own their emotions just like adults do. What they feel and believe is real to them, and it's never a father's place to try and convince a child to feel differently.

Dads, Humanity and OJ

2010-02-18T18:33:00.000-08:00

Watching the Olympics brings back memories of my own athletic dreams. In my early teens, like most boys I guess, being a "jock" was the height of cool. I didn't know then that football players wore shoulder pads. I spent one autumn walking around with my shoulders hunched up, trying to imitate my heros on the field. In my Buffalo Bills' #32 jersey, I tried to emulate my then-hero OJ Simpson.

Wow, how a few decades and an internationally televised ride in a Ford Bronco can change your perspective. My parents have an artful collage of family pictures in their hallway. Right there in the middle is yours truly, hair down to my shoulders in that jersey celebrating OJ. That may be the only photo celebrating his deeds (on the field) in the world.

I tend to agree with the retired basketball player Charles Barkley. He riled many parents a few years ago by declaring he wasn't out to be any child's hero. Worshipping anyone beyond your circle of family and friends can be fraught with danger. The idols on a poster are far too fallible and their transgressions get played out in the national media. Babe Ruth had his faults and demons, but his fans didn't have ESPN to update them on the hour.

As Dads, we showcase our humanity on a daily basis. Falling from grace in our children's eyes can happen quickly, but we also don't have to wait for the next news cycle to explain our faults to teach (and learn) from them.

Handling Fatherhood Stress!

2010-02-06T16:21:00.000-08:00

I'd last about three days as a single parent. Okay, make that seven days. That's how long my wife was gone on her most recent trip, leaving me to fend for (and off) the boys on my own. For those of you who shoulder solo parenting full-time, I could not have more respect.

Parenting is about rising to the occasion. Resiliency as a parent means being prepared for as much as you can, and being flexible when the un-expected occurs. Here are the things I try to remember when fatherhood takes on added stress.

1. Re-think priorities. If the kids are clean, fed and happy, that's enough until you reach a place of relative calm.
2. Be kind to yourself. Whether your guilty pleasure is soaking in a warm bath or having a sitter take over for an afternoon, be selfish in the short term to be your best in the long term.
3. Give the kids more autonomy, not less. This sounds like the exact opposite of what you should do, but hear me out. My sons rise to the occasion, much like I hope I do. They're eight and nine years old. What a joy it is to hear their laughter and witness the creativity when I say "Guys, dinner is on your own this evening!" Yes, we eat a lot of peanut butter and jelly, and the kitchen counter is sticky for days. It's well worth the price for one evening where I'm not cogitating on how to prepare pasta in new and exciting ways.

A mentor told me once that parenting "isn't rocket science". That's true. It took the USA a dedicated decade to put men on the moon. We're still working on the art and science of parenting, and we will be far into the future. What you're doing as a Dad is far more difficult than any far-flung other-worldy endeavor.

Way to go Pop!

My Son's Reality Show

2010-01-27T18:06:00.000-08:00

Young love sounds as confusing as old love. Nine-year old Nick gave me a primer on this last night as he recounted in hushed tones the amorous adventures of his fellow travellers in the fourth grade. It turns out that Max is in love with Miranda, Alexa has her eye on Tommy, and while Levi likes Annabelle, he does not "like like" her and hence she is fair game for the intentions of Blake. At least, that's how I recall the conversation twenty-four hours later. Of course, all names have been changed to protect the young and innocent.

As an adult it's easy to look back on your childhood as a simpler time in life. Perhaps it was a simpler time but that doesn't mean it was without complexity. I look at Nick's homework some nights and find myself truly baffled. I can answer the math questions, but the lessons of how to arrive at one sum or another have vanished. On the social scene, he's learning how to be an individual, and how to "fit in" all at the same time. I stuttered through phone calls with girls until my college years. He's fielding those same phone calls like a Lothario. I try to remember to pick my battles, whether it's on the length of his hair or the favorite jeans that are now more holes than fabric. Somewhere (the Upper West Side of Manhattan) my parents are chuckling about generational revenge.

Our kids will follow their own path in life. They'll make mistakes, some of the ones we made and are making today, and some brand new mistakes they can truly call their own. As complex as his life is today, Nick will trade 2010's complications for those of 2030 and beyond. I'll try to protect him from the inevitable hurts, and hope he learns from his forays into the complex world of reality.

What's Your Comfort Food?

2010-01-20T13:33:00.000-08:00

I can feel the lump in my stomach. Hours after an invigorating workout with weights and cardio combined, I've just submarined my fitness efforts with a two-hotdog lunch. The warm buns, mustard (and ketchup) remind me of skipping school for the cheap seats and baseball's opening day, making sure to evade my father who was sitting in the box seats! Cold and cloudy days like today remind me of growing up in Western New York. According to NOAA, Denver (my home today) averages nearly seven of every ten days with sunshine. Rochester, where I grew up, has one sunny day for every one with clouds, 51% days with sunshine to be exact.

I'm not blaming the hotdogs on my upbringing, convenient though that would be. But that lump got me thinking about our "comfort" foods. Are they regional? Do they help us make a link (hotdogs, "link", get it?) to our childhood? Do we choose them, or do they choose us? Mine are the aforementioned frankfurters, along with mac 'n' cheese, chocolate ice cream and my mother's pot roast. Had I chosen them, I like to think I would have chosen more wisely. Broccoli anyone?

I hope my kids will be comforted by many things as they grow older. Perhaps the scent of a cologne, or their mom's homemade burritos. With a nod to the 21st century, it might be the nearly imperceptible hum of their Nintendo toys or laptop. As odd as it sounds, one of the most comforting reminders in my life is the smell of a slightly mildewed garage. That takes me back to my maternal grandparents and their home in Muncie, Indiana. Once in awhile, that same smell visits in our own garage. Some 40 years later and I'm right back playing in the front yard with my little plastic toy soldiers.

The things that comfort us probably choose us, not the other way around. Memories, like hotdogs, are probably best when they are mixed infrequently with our present, and our future.

2010-01-13T12:36:00.000-08:00

As Ricky said to Lucy, we Dads "Got a lotta 'splainin to do!"

Between Tiger Woods and his fooling around and Mark McGwire with his steroid usage admissions, my kids are asking some pretty tough questions. How do you explain to an 8-year old what infidelity is? Or why a professional athlete chooses to cheat? With the latter, it's been tougher to explain his media blitz "explanation parade" than it has to explain why he wanted bigger muscles.

All this reminds me of my favorite quote about truth and self-deception. I wish I recalled the source, but the essence is "Character is who you are when no-one is watching." Don't you love the simplicity of that? Whether we choose to cheat on our spouse or flick a cigarette butt out the car window, we exercise what my son Chris refers to as "free will."

An athlete may decide to blame the era in which he played, or the pressure of performing in front of millions of fans. In the end (pun intended) he only has himself to blame for injecting performance-enhancing drugs. I have no doubt that Tiger Woods feels tremendous pressure on and off the golf course, but we've learned more about his character in the last month than from any putt he's ever made.

Whether you're in the middle of a crowded arena or alone in the car with your thoughts, you are constantly acting on your free will. The character you display is truly the measure of the man you are.

2010-01-07T13:43:00.000-08:00

I feel like the groundhog on February 2nd. All I want to do is pop my head out of my den to see if the loud noises and fireworks are over. Then some stranger comes along and yanks me out, naked, for all the world to see.

Okay, leaving the holidays behind and getting back into a routine isn't quite as startling as Groundhog Day must be for Punksatawny Phil. Still, my first full day of work in the New Year felt like "back to reality" day. I noticed this with my sons as well. Both boys return from their school day lately with a glazed look in their eyes, nodding off into their dinner and barely staying awake until bedtime.

When the days are short, and cold, as they are here in Denver, it's easy to fall into hibernation mode. All you want to do is make it from sunrise to sunset, and then back to bed. As a Dad, the challenge is to keep yourself from turning into a sleep-addled zombie. Now is the time to throw your habits a curveball. Here are three ideas:

1. Have the kids make dinner for you. As the restaurant chain slogan goes, "no rules, just right". See what they come up with!

2. Change your workouts. Lift weights? Take an aerobics class! Run in the mornings? Go the local rec center and see how many laps you can swim.

3. Complete a genuine act of self-less gratitude for your spouse or partner. A card tucked under their pillow, flowers, a gift certificate or a simple hug and sincere "I love you" will do wonders for them and for you.

Think of it this way. In the darkest days of winter here in the Northern Hemisphere, our friends in the south are sweating out the dog days of summer. Making small changes in your behavior and being alert to the needs of others gets you focused on something besides yourself.

Just Joking Around

2009-12-31T16:48:00.000-08:00

We hosted one of Chris' friends for a sleep-over recently. One of the beauties (and curses) of winter break is that every day becomes a Saturday night. "John" arrived at about 6:30pm, with pizza and cherry pie fueling the pre-Tween festivities. Without my darling wife Terry here (off on a trip to her folks' in New Mexico) I was left to fend for myself. So I did what any well-adjusted parent would do. I locked myself in the bedroom and watched a Humphrey Bogart movie.

My take on sleep-overs is that unless there is blood seeping under a door, or screams in the middle of the night, the kids can take care of themselves. After a peaceful night, I fixed chocolate chip pancakes for the boys and John's dad arrived (on a white stallion if I'm not mistaken) around 10:30am and we sent them on their way.

What I've realized lately is that as complex as toys and video games can be, my sons can be amused and enthralled by the simplest things. A conversation about bodily functions can lead to non-stop giggles for an hour. A game of "Go Fish" makes us all giddy. Knock-knock jokes with non-sensical punch lines reach from the early morning into the night.

One difference between the current generation of parents and parents of the past, is that today we seem to want to plan every excursion, or fill every minutes of our kids' time with swim and guitar lessons. Scheduling in un-structured time to enjoy each other's company might help our children understand that the simplest pleasures lead to the most lasting rewards.

I Never Had a Christmas Tree

2009-12-09T08:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, so technically that's not true. Despite our Jewish roots, I do recall badgering my Mom and Dad into buying a Christmas tree one year. This was probably 1967 or 1968, somewhere in that turbulent decade (I blame all of my pre-teen idiosyncracies on the Summer of Love). Growing up in a predominantly Christian city, with holiday advertising and media all around, it was frankly hard to understand why we should be any different than the families of all my friends.

One of things I'm proudest of as a father is that my kids are growing up with a strong sense of who they are. My wife is Mexican/Catholic, I am Jewish/French/Polish/German/Russian. Our two sons know that they represent a melding of cultures and beliefs. I'm amazed at how easily they slip from culture to culture. One moment we're lighting Hannukah candles, the next we're sitting in church as communion is taken. I've been the beneficiary of many lectures from the booster seats in the back of the car on God and spirituality, each one delivered with the passion of true faith.

How we teach our children to be proud of their heritage is paramount to how they define themselves. Where previous generations of parents may have found subjects like this "taboo" or too "complicated" to talk about, 21st century parents have the opportunity to challenge kids intellectually. The more I discuss real-life issues with my sons, whether it's politics or the dalliances of Tiger Woods, the more I realize that my kids are growing up fully capable of making decisions about values for themselves.

Since we embrace all the cultures of our family heritage, we celebrate both Hannukah and Christmas. It's nice to have a tree again!

The Bongo Beat of Learning

2009-11-29T18:10:00.000-08:00

I've read that kids who are involved in music show an increased ability to concentrate on their studies. My two siblings are great examples of this correlation; I couldn't be prouder of their accomplishments! My sister Julie played the cello for many years and later graduated with honors from Harvard Law School. My brother Tom has a Masters from the University of Washington in Chinese studies, he played the cello as well. More important than their academic achievements however, they along with their spouses actively encourage their kid's' musical ambitions. As an aside, I lasted in piano lessons for six months.

Yes, that's a limited focus group, but as our sons have expressed interest in playing instruments, we've supported their passion wholeheartedly. Nick can pick his way through "Smoke On The Water" on the guitar, and Chris will drum anything that's not moving. Including my belly during a recent Sunday afternoon snooze. Still, with expensive lessons and equipment, their favorite instrument to play is a worn and ancient bongo drum. Not even bongo "drums" because it's just one bongo. Or drum.

I've written about the need to feed your children's passions before, even when those passions are fleeting. It's important for kids to experience the excitment of trying something new. Just as important, it's vital for them to understand that exceptional talent in music, or in anything, comes when they match their passion with practice.

Perhaps there is a bongo drum in your house right now. Or a squeaky violin. Or a recorder that can't manage low notes but hits the high notes with alarming frequency. Smile when your kids want to show off their talents, and listen carefully for the sounds of their passion and purpose in life. They're not trying to make it at Carnegie Hall, they're just trying to secure their place in your heart.

Saluting the Single Parent

2009-11-20T18:04:00.001-08:00

My wife's been out of town for three days. The kids and I miss her very much for a wide variety of reasons. Her smile, her hugs, her warm words, her errands, her cleaning, her schedule-keeping. Get the picture? Without Terry here, the kids and I slip into "bare necessities" mode. As long as there is un-expired milk in the fridge and pizza at the door, I'm happy and so are the boys.

The good news is, I know my wife will return. At 6:19pm Friday evening to be exact, not that anyone is counting.

For the single parent, help often doesn't arrive at a scheduled time. Nor is the help "guaranteed" like when there are two parents in the picture. I've had friends throughout the years that raised kids on their own, and I can't imagine greater heros in our daily midst. Some people parent alone, meaning their spouse doesn't provide a whole lot of help. Others parent individually due to tragedy, love lost or because they choose to.

You probably know a single parent. The holidays are a great time to offer a helping hand to these heros. Even if it's just a few hours of childcare so they can have some time to themselves, the brief respite is a marvelous present. And you don't even have to wrap it!

Putting Your Kids First

2009-11-16T15:18:00.000-08:00

There she sat at the light, one hand on a cell-phone to her ear, a cigarette in her mouth and the other hand manipulating a lighter. As she pulled away, I spotted the toddler in the back seat. While I wanted to scream at the lady about careless driving, all I could do was marvel at her audacity. What happens when a child becomes something less than our top priority?

Here's a quote from the playwright Arthur Miller, who as I learn about him I realize did many more wonderful things other than marry Marilyn Monroe.

He wants to live on through something-and in his case, his masterpiece is his son. All of us want that, and it gets more poignant as we get more anonymous in this world.

The messages we send children about their importance in our lives are constant and form a lasting impression on our kids. When I'm reading the paper or watching a football game, I want "time out" for me. A period to stare mindlessly at sport or the news is part of my wind-down time at the end of a busy day. You probably have that same time as well.

How can you incorporate your kids in your down-time? Perhaps it's as simple as throwing an arm around a young shoulder and encouraging them to wind-down as well. However you choose to reach out, reminding your kids that they're "number one" on your list of priorities makes them feel great. It'll make you feel great too.

Being Your Best Means Being Selfish

2009-11-10T14:30:00.000-08:00

The more parents I speak to, the more I realize that parenting means putting your own needs last. While I salute the sacrifice that each of us makes in bringing up our kids, when we subjugate our own needs time and time again, we're teaching our children to do the same thing should they become parents. Isn't it time to stop the cycle of self-abuse? After all, if you're feeling unfulfilled professionally or personally, it's pretty easy for your kids to pick up on that. What they learn is what they see and experience.

A concept that I introduce in many of my coaching sessions with parents is the idea of becoming "Selflessly Selfish". Here are the underpinnings of this thinking:

You can't be a great parent without being a great friend to yourself.
You must pay attention to the signals your mind and body send you.
Time for yourself is not selfishness.
Time for yourself allows you to rejuvenate body and spirit.
Time for yourself is a great model for your partner and your children.

Here are my "Top Five" ways to be selflessly selfish:

5. Take a walk.
4. Read a great book.
3. Write a notecard to a friend.
2. Listen to great music while doing something creative.
1. Take a nap.

How important are selflessly selfish activities? A recent study found that one-third of American children are more stressed today than they were a year ago. If we don't model ways to minimize and manage stress, who will? For more great tips, please see the American Psychological Association's latest report on stress at
http://apahelpcenter.mediaroom.com/file.php/211/Talking+with+your+Children+about+Stress+FINAL.pdf

2009-11-02T13:26:00.000-08:00

The recent posting on passing your passion down to your kids struck a chord with my friend Robbie. With his permission, here's an illustration of how a baseball rooting interest can transcend the generations.

You can imagine how hard it was to get Jason (9) to share my Mets passion, and I was almost there. His whole room is decked out in Mets gear and posters. That is, success until about three weeks ago.

My son had just made his AAA Fall Ball pitching debut. He was very proud of his two scoreless innings, as was I.

Later, we were out to dinner with about ten family members, celebrating a cousin's milestone birthday. We were in a private room in the restaurant, though beside our large round table was an empty table for four.

After we had been seated for about a half hour, in comes the Maitre 'D, leading four large athletes, baseball players all. Yankees, to be exact, led by future Hall of Famer, Andy Pettitte. Jason went apoplectic. With a lot of cajoling, he finally went up to Andy, introduced himself and began to describe (in too much detail) his outing earlier in the day. Pettitte could not have been any more gracious, and agreed to a picture with Jason which now has a prominent place on his bedroom wall.

My Mets are as good as dead in his mind. I lost that battle.

More than anything, I'm just happy that he's got a deep and enthusiastic passion for the game. I couldn't be more proud.

Have a similar story to share? Please post them in the "comments" section of this blog. Remember, the greatest thing you can pass along to your kids is a boundless love of life, and of diversity. The world has room for Mets and Yankee fans.

Blizzard Survival Tips for Dads At Home

2009-10-29T14:33:00.001-07:00

We are now in "Day Two" of "Snowbound: Crisis in Parker". The scene outside my office window looks like mid-February, only with more snow. We have about 2 feet of the fluffy white stuff on the ground. I can personally vouch for the fact that it's fluffy until you start shoveling, then it becomes downright heavy.

Mike's Blizzard Survival Tips: When the Kids Stay Home from School and Sanity Slips Out for the Day

1. TV time is limited to 7 hours during daylight.
2. Food is defined as whatever the kids can reach. "Marshmallows for lunch? Sure, have at it boys!"
3. Get the kids (and yourself) outside. Anyhow, anyway, anytime. We're paying a plowing service to clear the driveway, but we spent an hour shoveling just to get the juices flowing.
4. Hot cocoa is one of the five food groups.
5. Don't sweat the small stuff. If everyone is rosy-cheeked and exhausted at the end of the day, you've done your Daddy job just right!

Winter reminds me of my own childhood and growing up in Western NY state. The joy of those days of snow up to my hips and above always brings a smile to my face. What a blessing to pass down those experiences to my two sons!

How One Dad Fights Frustration

2009-10-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

Part of the joy, and frustration, of living in Colorado is that you never know what type of weather to expect when. On the last day of summer this year, we had snow squalls. Two days later, it was in the 70's. My wife Terry tells me she loved living in New Jersey because winter started "on time" in November and ended "on time" at the end of March. So today, three days before Halloween, the kids were home all day due to a snowstorm.

The kids were planted squarely in front of the television much of the morning, while I worked in my home office. Sure, I wish I could have kept them entertained with crazy projects designed to educate and inspire. Instead, they dined on Phineas and Ferb, and SpongeBob.

Sometimes we fathers have to bend to reality and make the best of a situation that doesn't "fit" our pre-conceptions of how things should work. A snow day home from school definitely didn't fit today's schedule. The kids aren't old enough to stay home by themselves so Mother Nature forced me to upend my day. I don't know about you, but my frustration level increases when I try to make circumstances out of my control fit into those pre-conceptions of how things should work.

When your frustration level rises, it's easy to take it out on others. Our pre-conceptions often stay in our heads and don't get shared. That leaves the people we care about most guessing as to our intentions and plans.

Like the early snowstorm that disrupts travel, work and personal time, you can decide to wallow in the snowdrifts and keep your thoughts to yourself. A better choice is to share your thoughts and head frustration off before it gets the best of you.

Passing Passion Along to Your Kids

2009-10-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

Terry and I made this deal when we were married, long before we had kids. We would raise the boys as Catholics (I'm Jewish and grew up in a family where the identity of religion had far more clout than the practice of religion) if I could raise them in my personal faith. The religion of the Fenway Faithful; raising them as Red Sox fans. The boys were both born here in Denver and in their early years were willing adherents to my allegiances. Now that they're in school and routintely exposed to influences outside the house, they're picking up some bad habits.

When I root for my teams (The Red Sox and the Buffalo Bills) the boys are quick to remind me that as Colorado natives, they could care less about my roots. Both Nick and Chris are dyed-in-the-wool Broncos (football) and Rockies (baseball) fans. In fact, not only do they cheer for those teams, they actively cheer against my teams. It's as if they are conspiring to derail my sports addicted dreams. In spite of this rebellion, I secretly love the fact that they care. To have a rooting interest in sport, and thus a community, is a wonderful passion that my Dad passed along to me.

I've learned that being a fan of your kids and their interests is far more important than if they are a fan of your interests. If my sons' passion were directed toward skateboarding (it is) or ballet (it isn't) then as long as they pursued that interest with the willingness to experiment, fail and succeed, I would support their passion as I would support my own.

Hmmm. My Dad is a Yankee fan. I'm sure he'd say that the chickens are coming home to roost. Good luck in the World Series, Dad. And I mean that sincerely.

Is Your Child a Terrorist?

2009-10-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe it's just me, but I've noticed a disturbing trend. While listening to NPR (yes, I do watch Fox from time to time for a "fair and balanced" look at how President Obama is messing everything up) I heard about the latest terrorist arrest. "The suspect was arrested in his basement bedroom, at his parent's home" intoned the announcer. Didn't Zazi, the fellow arrested here in Denver, also live with his parents? Seems like the last three major terrorist arrests have all been of single men in their 20's and 30's, living at home with their parents.

What conclusions can we draw from this incredibly small sample?

1. All terrorists live at home with their parents.
2. All terrorists have been unusually unsuccessful at any other line of work besides terrorism.
3. Since we're catching them before they blow things (and themselves) up, terrorists may not be successful even in their chosen line of work.
4. To minimize the chances of "Junior" becoming a terrorist, it's important to instill a sense of independence and self-confidence in your kids at an early age.
5. All single men in their 20's and 30's who live at home with their parents should be arrested.

Next week in this space, I will be solving world hunger, reining in rogue nuclear states and revealing the cure for the common cold. The common ingredient in all three crises is basil. Or maybe oregano. I always get those two confused. Stay tuned.

Four Cornerstones of Great Parenting

2009-10-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

I spent a recent morning interviewing seniors about their fathers; what an amazing experience. As men in their 80's and 90's talked about the sacrifices their fathers made for them, I couldn't help but think about the sacrifices these men made for me. Otis casually mentions that he was a tail-gunner in a B-24 over Europe. Gene was in the Army Air Corps in Italy and North Africa. Dick flew "The Hump" between China and Burma. Their eyes lit up as they talked about working the fields with their fathers, or fishing trips on late summer nights. When I asked about "The War", they looked at their feet and mumbled about how "it was a lot tougher" for others who never came back.

What I've learned about fathering so far from the interviews I'm conducting for an up-coming book is this:

Love, given unconditionally, comes in many forms. Maybe Dads didn't hug their kids much 60 or 70 years ago, but they sure as heck loved their kids.
Dads weren't perfect then, and they're not perfect now. Lessons of fatherhood tend to be rose-tinted by years gone by, and as adults we recognize what our fathers did well and what they did poorly.
Great parents perform self-less acts every day.
Parents leave an indelible impression for generations. Our "legacy" as parents extends far beyond our mortal lifetime.

Thanks to the staff and members of the Barnum Senior Center in Denver, and the Colorado Springs Senior Center. Your memories and lessons learned will help shape a new generation of parents.

I heard a great quote on the radio the other day from a farmer in Kansas. He said "If you're working on a problem that can be solved in your lifetime, you're not thinking big enough." My guess is that the work of becoming better parents and teaching those skills to future generations, is work that will continue long after we're gone.

Balloon Boy: What's This Mean for Fathers?

2009-10-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

It's been several days since the nation (at least the people who watch cable news channels with nothing better to televise) were transfixed by the Henne family's weather balloon hoax. Hearing and watching the coverage in Denver that day and since has been a non-stop roller coaster of emotion. My first thoughts, probably like yours, were fear for the family, a pit in my stomach for their loss, and anger at parents putting a child in harm's way. No, inviting their child into harm's way.

What drives a parent to convince their children to lie to authorities, just to stage an elaborate fake emergency? How starved for attention (and desperate) must the father, Richard Henne, be? What's really important to take away from this?

My sons reminded me of the "boy who cried wolf" fable as we talked about the balloon ruse. Henne has now completely compromised his believability for any future endeavor. His kids will bear the scars of a public undressing for years to come. Their mother (Richard Henne's wife) may have been a willing accomplice, unwitting dupe or simply scared and intimidated. Chances are, a bit of all three.

Children learn the limits of legality and morality from their parents. My sons don't see the difference between a "white lie" and a lie. Reflecting back on the sad saga of the balloon boy, I'm not sure I can make that distinction anymore. Regardless of the reasons, self-serving or sanctimonius, it's never right to pressure your kids to enable your bad behavior.

Cashing In Your Culinary Dad Card

2009-10-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure when exactly my fatherhood "finest hour" has been, but it sure as heck wasn't last night. Faced with the end of a hectic day and a freezer full of food, somehow nothing sounded right for dinner. Our boys will eat pizza morning, noon and night, so at least a frozen pie was in the fridge. When I proposed either pizza or corn-dogs (ask a stupid question...) the response from both kids was "Why not both?"

Indeed, why not both? With that, my instincts toward nutrition and the food pyramid went out the window. I've tried to disguise vegetables in dishes, but the boys are like bloodhounds. They can sniff a naturally delivered vitamin a mile away. After a brief internal debate about food, nutrition and the possible impact on college scholarships of eating a life's worth of nitrates in one sitting, I caved. The guys dined on corn dogs and pizza, along with an oreo and half a banana for dessert. At least they didn't eat in front of the televison.

My take on nutrition has been informed by a line from our pediatrician. Years ago, we were concerned about Nick's growth rate and the food he was eating. The Doctor said "As long as he's getting complete nutrition within any two-week cycle, and as long as he's growing, don't worry about whether he'll overdose on Cheerios." I tried to remember that last night after the kids went to bed well-fed and happy.

After all, they had ketchup with the corn dogs. Don't psuedo-veggies count?

Dad Temper Tantrums

2009-10-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

I lost it with the boys on Saturday evening. Ever been there? I can't even recall what set me off, perhaps Chris whining about what was prepared for dinner, or Nick needling Chris about a shared baseball cap. Either way, I lost my cool and shouted at them. I know that what sets me off most times is that the plan in my head (which I neglect to share with anyone else) is not what unfolds in real life.

My boys act up and "push my buttons" when they're (a) tired, (b) frustrated or (c) hungry. Most of the time it's a combination of things. What I fail to remember in those moments of anger on my part is that the same things drive me past the point of self-control. I recover pretty well, and hurt feelings seem to be mended in minutes. What I can't gauge right now is the impact of my actions on how they'll function in similar situations as adults.

As fathers we pass along many memories and legacies. It's not just how to throw a curve ball or how to shave. We also pass down the lessons of our most human moments. What I've tried to teach from the times when I'm not at my best, is that it's okay not to be perfect. I can see my sons' frustration when the Lego pieces don't fit perfectly, or when they forget a multiplication answer. I hope that my legacy includes an ability to be gentle with themselves when they fail, humble when they succeed, and the good sense to go with the flow when their plans don't work out exactly as they'd wished.

Boys Need New Toys

2009-10-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

Invasion of the mind-snatchers continues! After a Sunday without television or Nintendo (see the Blog post from Sept. 28th, 2009) and actual human interaction, Terry came home today with the Beatles Rock Band Wii game. For the uninitiated, this "toy" lets you play a fake guitar and fake drums while singing along with John, Paul, George and Ringo. "Twist and Shout" is reverberating in the background while I post this.

Maybe it's not so terrible to furnish our kids, and ourselves, with new toys now and then. Sure, the pricetag was obscene; $150+ at your favorite superstore. Music is one way that generations come together. My parents listen to Bach, Mozart and a bit of Brahms. The music I scoffed at 30 years ago now takes up a significant portion of my Ipod's memory. My sons laugh at their Dad's obsession with all things Springsteen. I'm hoping that when Bruce and I are both gone, perhaps my offspring will embrace my classics.

The new toy now dominating our television is a way for my kids to connect to the 60's and early 70's, a time that formed many of my political, social and cultural affinities. I guess the beauty of something new is truly apparent in its ability to connect us with something in our past.

Three Dad Challenges

2009-10-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

I turn 49 this week. It doesn't seem like a monumental birthday as I move closer to the big 5-0. Recalling when I turned 21, I always thought that once you left the schooling portion of your life that you were pretty much a fully formed being. I also thought that everyone over the age of 21 was mature! How many of our peers disprove that theory every day? Thank goodness our personal growth doesn't stop when they hand you a diploma and you walk off stage right.

Being a Dad means constantly learning what you know, and what you don't know. My kids remind me daily that technology, music, social mores and television shows have zipped by me in the blink of an eye. While my "fuddy duddy" identity is more clear than ever, I do feel as though I can keep up mentally as long as my personal and professional life remains challenging.

Speaking of challenges, what's challenging you these days in your relationships with your kids, your partner, and yourself? Here are some of the things that are cropping up at my house.

1. Kids wanting new and more technology. At the ripe old age of 9, Nick's decided he needs an I-phone. Whatever happened to your best friend, two orange juice cans and a really long piece of string?

2. Terry's on the road for work, which means the household duties that I used to take for granted now rest squarely on my shoulders. Is it okay to leave the dishes in the sink overnight? Two nights? How high must the Oreo crumbs rise below the kitchen counter before you haul out the brush and dustpan?

3. It feels wierd sometimes to reach out to fellow Dads to ask questions or confirm common experiences. Guys don't talk like women do. Ladies break down intimacy barriers far more easily than men do. Is that hard-wired in us?

That last concern vexs me and I'm committed to do something about it. Let's us guys commit to make this Blog and other resources you'll be seeing from DadSpeaker in the coming months, pathways to communication. I'm not saying we'll be sitting around this time next year comparing varicose veins, but we should be able to lean on each other when fatherhood throws us curveballs. Fair enough?

Dads Missing Their Kids

2009-10-05T13:41:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'll admit it. When the kids go out the door to school, I miss them. It's hard when they're away, and you're missing all those infintesimal and yet infinite moments when they learn something new. Maybe a lesson about themselves, or the way to treat others, or how mean (or nice) their colleagues in the business of being kids can be. A child's first step or first word can be recorded or photographed for posterity, and yet the journey they start with their first foray into mobility or communication never truly ends.

Dan Johnson is a buddy of mine and he posted a song on YouTube that got me thinking about the ties that bind a father to a child. Check it out at www.youtube.com/danjohnson411/

I didn't tear up when I watched the video and heard the song. At least, that's what my Dad might tell me. Frankly, sometimes I think as fathers we're too worried about projecting a movie-screen image to our kids of what a father should be. Shouldn't we be more concerned about showing our kids how human a father can be? Everytime I lose my temper with my sons, or say something to them that I instantly regret, I feel like the world's worst Dad. Then I model contrition, my kids model forgiveness, and we all get a bit better at this thing called love.

I'm eyeballs-deep in writing about the father experience and it'd be great to hear your hopes, challenges, successes and "learning moments" as a Dad. Please share them via the comments section on this Blog, and perhaps we can all learn from each other.

Traveling with kids

2009-10-03T19:30:00.000-07:00

My two sons (hey, one more son and we'll have a TV show title!) run the show when we're on vacation. Sugar cereals, late nights, running amok with cousins and grandparents, it's all part of the bargain. They become the center of attention, and that's a position they clearly enjoy. Terry and I wait patiently to the side, enjoying family and unusual sights, biding our time until it's time to make the trek back home.

When every trip to exotic locales (this time it was Albuquerque) comes to an end, we ask each other what we learned from the sojourn. For me this time around, it was a greater appreciation for my wife's family. I have four cousins; Terry has cousins numbering into the hundreds. Keeping names and faces straight, even after a decade and a half, is still a challenge for me. The generation who threaded their way through my legs at the first gatherings are now grown and shepherding children of their own.

Cousins Tony and Lisa have grandkids, and a son who is bound for Afghanistan. Aunt Louie still makes tamales, teetering on a footstool to reach a pot on the stove. A stove in the kitchen of the house her father built more than 80 years ago. Albert kids me about going camping; he's the outdoor Dad I dream of being. My father-in-law takes it all in from a corner chair, the eldest of a dozen children, with his 80th year right around the corner. Big Paul speaks a mix of clipped Spanish, and English for me. Little Paul will be retiring in a few months and owns 8 (9?) cars.

We are all richer for the culture and experience of the ones we love. In a small family, perhaps one man is a Dad. In a vast family, all the men are fathers to all the children. Uncles intertwine with Dads, grandfathers with cousins and nephews. The tie that binds one generation to the next is love, and the desire to pass down lessons and values learned.

Fathers and Sons; The NFL Takes a Backseat

2009-09-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

My two sons challenged me to a Sunday without football on TV. In return, they committed to the day without Nintendo, Internet or television. While I tried to convince them that another day of the week worked better for me, 9-year old Nicholas turned and said;

"Dad, if it doesn't hurt, it's not a challenge."

So we made it through the day, my sons and I. No blood was spilled, no brains were muddled beyond repair as the electronics sat silent. We hiked, scootered, and actually talked. What a concept!

More fathers and sons adventures to follow on this blog, along with my latest book on the topic, scheduled for release in plenty of time for Father's Day 2010. If you'd like me to come speak to your organization about the mysteries and lessons of fathering, please let me know! You can always reach me at (720) 851.5208 Internationally, and (877)262-2402 in the US.